Heh, my last couple posts haven't generated much response. I'm guessing they were too boring? Once again, my love of ideas seems to have pushed me beyond the limits of accessibility. ::sigh::. It's so hard to be KNOWN, you know? To have friends trust your actions simply because it's you can be a wonderful thing, but it requires so much giving, and so much giving in areas you STINK at giving. I wish I were better at building relationships with people in CCF, especially some of the guys. It's tough to care but to be blocked by your own nature.

Usually I prefer the flexibility of abstract ideas, but sometimes I wish people could only communicate in essay form. Words mean so much to me, but so little to others... it's as though in my world I'm offering roses, but in theirs I offer dandelions.

Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if I were to give up my introspective nature, give up my books, and just make friends. It's hard to feel that a lifestyle of that type is no more honoring to God than mine is. However, I must continue to accept that God's purpose for making me the way I am is good, and that faithfully using who I am and what I am to build up the body is what he wants from me.

I cannot tell you how sorry I am to those of you I have hurt or neglected.

"Beware, thou wretch...and hold thee never the holier nor the better for the worthiness of thy calling...but the more wretched and cursed, unless thou do that in thee is goodly, by grace and by counsel, to live after thy calling."
-Cloud of Unknowing

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hey Ben,

Believe it or not, I always consider you as an close brother to me. I just wish that I get to spend more time with you and all the brothers in CCF. I know I haven’t been in CCF for a long time. I want to but I’m scared. Funny right? Scare… Scare to get hurt. I don’t know when I will overcome my fear, but when I do I will come back to CCF. Anyhow, I like the way you are, you are a very intelligent man. You are a person I feel comfortable talking to when I have problems because 9 out 10 times you will have answers. So don’t feel discourage. Just be you because there is only one Ben. B

Take Care