Dealing with Routine, Faithful with What is Now

Something about routine has a numbing effect on me. The daily rhythms of preparing for work, commuting, clacking keyboards, schedules, watching movies and going to bed have a way of lulling me into a sort of tunnel vision, where I forget bits and pieces of who I meant to be.

Still, it is nice to sit down at the old keyboard, fighting to make the emotions skipping around in my psyche translate clearly into written words. It gives shape to things I experience, and an object with shape is much easier to hold and process and use meaningfully.

Samantha and I now live in a non-Seminary apartment complex called Village Manor. It is a place full of life- seminary students, people on welfare, refugees from foreign countries, international students… the list goes on. Here, we are trying to figure out the most constructive way to wait for what God would bring to us.

Samantha is wonderfully active. She spends time with friends, teaches English to two Nepali refugee girls, participates in small groups and a reading group, and of course takes care of Isaiah. It is a joy to watch her flourish as a person. I like it when people call me up out of the blue, only to find out that they want to talk with my wife and not me!

Speaking of joy, Isaiah is a thrill every day. He gets smarter and quicker all the time, which is sometimes wonderful and sometimes scary! I find that even his growing capacity for deceit and stubbornness is highly amusing. Isaiah likes to climb in my lap for about three seconds, and then he wants to climb onto other stuff. He likes to play with toys, but LOVES to play with adult stuff, especially cell phones. He enjoys pulling wires out of their sockets, and biting his stuffed animals on the nose.

My favorite thing is when I wake up in the morning and start to walk down the hall; he hears the floorboards creak and starts to yell at/for me. “Da! Da Da! DADADADADADA!” As far as I can tell, this means, “Get over here right now and get me out of this crib!” It is fun to comply, even when it means changing a soggy diaper that smells of ammonia.

My goal of late has been to become a pastor while I wait to become a pastor. People can be hard for me, and I do not think having official position will solve that struggle. So, I have been trying to use what free time I have to develop the skills to be a shepherd for those I love and whom God has given me a place of influence with. This might mean listening when a friend is frustrated, pursuing a wandering heart, counseling someone in a new situation, or leading a group of people toward new perspectives. I find that I am terribly uncertain of myself when doing these things, but it is always wonderful to see how clearly the Word speaks to all, allowing me to ignore my weakness and point to Certainty.

It has also been a time of growing confidence for me. I find that I can be effective at work, consistent in relationships, and even sorta fun sometimes. Mind you, my struggles with a bleak outlook on life certainly have not gone away. But still, it is comforting that God keeps bringing challenges designed to show his ability to bring you along safely.

So as I look forward to yet another stage of life not doing what I long to do, my hope is that Christ will continue to show himself strong in my weakness, that I will be prepared for whatever is next, and that I will be faithful with what is now.

People and Sadness

The other day my dad jokingly called me a, "road warrior." Between Christmas, New Years, new car, baby showers, and car problems, I've been on the road a lot. We were in Michigan this weekend, and I'm going back again next weekend.

When I travel, I wonder a lot about the people I see along the way. The friendly old lady at McDonalds, the sour-looking gas station attendant who perked up and smiled when she saw Isaiah, the strong-looking white haired old farmer who wanted a coffee refill; all these people have stories (most of them much longer than mine) and backgrounds and things they think about or are frustrated with. It makes me sad that I cannot talk to them, or help them with their frustrations and hurts, or even make their day all that much better.

I guess it highlights my preference for deep, thorough, complete ways of dealing with problems. I would much rather be a big help to one person than of passing help to ten, though it makes me sad that I cannot help the ten in a deep way too.

I think, when we come to these sorts of realizations about ourselves, it is very hard to make wise use of them. Is it a problem I should fix? Is it unhealthy for me? Does it hurt me in a good way? Would it be better for me to try to change my characteristics or find ways to accept them?

Though I do not know all the answers, I am deeply grateful that God designed the church to make use of every individual strengths and gift. And though it hurts me, I like the deep sadness that comes from seeing people who are hurting. It motivates me, deepens me, and hopefully causes me to better love those I can affect. When sadness moves us closer to Christ likeness, perhaps it is a sadness we need to be more comfortable with.

A Father's Gifts

Sometimes I don't identify with Scripture passages, but sometimes I do.

Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him! -Matthew 7:9-11

I want so badly to do the best thing for Isaiah. He brings incredible joy to my life, but he also makes me ask the question, "which is best?" about 10 times per day. Should I let him stay up later or put him to bed even though he's not tired? Is it ok to for him to chew on the table or do I need to start teaching him not to bite large items of furniture? How forceful should I be in holding him down while changing his diaper to communicate obedience?

God, in some sense, faces these decisions as our father every day. But unlike me (thank goodness) his actions toward us are perfect. He gives precisely what we need.

As Isaiah develops and matures, he'll want things from me. He may want a tennis racquet or ballet shoes (to which I'll say yes and no, respectively). He may prefer kung fu or video games depending on which way he leans culturally (hopefully toward his mother!). He will ask for the keys to the car or money for a date. He may ask to go on a mission trip to a dangerous city or country.

In all these things, my goal must be to give or withhold things on the basis of trying to best bless him toward a correct understanding of God, which is in his best interest. I must try to love him in a way that will bring glory to the Savior. One thing I hope Isaiah learns is that when he asks for things that are good for him, I will gladly give them. When he asks for things not in his best interest, I will withhold him. At least, that is my aim.

God, who gives perfectly, never fails in this quest. When we ask for things that God knows are in our best interest, he is pleased to give them. When we ask for things not in our best interest, he withholds them.

And when it is in our best interest to wait quietly, that is what he makes us do.

I'm not sure when, if ever, I will understand living quietly. But this I know; trusting the father pays, because he perfectly gives and withholds life's blessings. And so I pray and I wait.

To live quietly

Sometimes I read a passage of Scripture and don't identify with it, and can hardly believe it is true. Here is an example.

But we urge you, brothers, to do this (love the brethren) more and more, and to aspire to live quietly, and to mind your own affairs, and to work with your hands, as we instructed you, so that you may walk properly before outsiders and be dependent on no one.
1 Thessalonians 4:10-11

My wife knows how to live quietly. She can invest in home and family to the point where she has to check herself and reinvest in outside things. She doesn't bother people, doesn't make a fool of herself, and to my knowledge has few if any enemies.

I am quite the opposite. I toss my opinions around, argue hard for things that may or may not matter, and am impatient with a quiet life. I do like quietness, mind you; I love to read and spend hours thinking on my own. But on the whole, I prefer a list of challenges to the prospect of sameness any day of the week. When a problem arises, I want to solve it. When a group is presented with a challenge, I want to lead the charge. And when a people struggles with apathy, I want to call them back to faithfulness.

But now, life is quiet. Feedback I get from others suggests that though I have the gifts to be a pastor, I am not steady or mature enough to be one yet. I can barely take school classes because of my work schedule. I cannot invest in the church with the same amount of time that others can. I am not leading anything, not solving any problem, not learning anything (except electric market structures in the state of Illinois).

As a result, I am bored. I am embarrassed to have anyone look at my life. And I constantly wish I were elsewhere, despite knowing the problem of discontent is in the heart rather than the circumstance.

I wish I understood better what God wants to do in me. And I wish I could offer my wife more certainty of our place and direction. But I cannot. And so I pray and I wait.

A Song and a Blessing

I recently finished Deuteronomy. What a book! Moses recites God's Law to Israel, reminding them that success rides on obedience rather than strength of arms. He calls them to live obediently, rejecting the ways of the nations. He challenges them to love God only.

Deuteronomy ends with Moses delivering a song and a blessing. The song celebrates the way God fights for his people, delivering them from enemies. It ends thusly:

"Rejoice with him, O heavens;
bow down to him, all gods,
for he avenges the blood of his children
and takes vengeance on his adversaries.
He repays thsoe who hate him
and cleanses his people's land."

The blessing spreads hope for the ways God will bless individual tribes. It ends in a similar way;

"Happy are you, O Israel!
Who is like you,
a people saved by the Lord,
the shield of your help,
and the sword of your triumph!
Your enemies shall come,
fawning to you,
and you shall tread upon their backs."

These two pieces remind Israel of the most important thing, just before they enter the Promised Land: God fights the battles. He is the Sovereign One, success depends on Him alone, and their hopes for peace and prosperity rest on their relationship to him.

I love this thought, because it highlights truths that we can appreciate just as much today as the Israelites then. God fights our battles. We cannot look to worldly means for success, we can only live faithfully and trust God's direction for us. Our response to every challenge must be the same; faithfulness and obedience.

It is also beautiful and sad to remember throughout that Moses knows some key things:

1. He will not enter the Promised Land.
2. He will soon die.
3. Israel will fail to walk in obedience.

And yet he delivers this powerful oration with joy and strength, knowing that God will use his faithfulness rightly to bless the world with the knowledge of the Master of the Universe.

Deuteronomy is a powerful book for interacting with the character of God, and I've greatly enjoyed sitting under its teaching.

Next up; Micah.

The Joy for Those Who Obey

Deuteronomy 30 is the close of Moses' speech to the Israelites, which began in chapter 1. After the horrors of chapter 28 (see my last entry), it is full of welcome joy.

The LORD your God will make you abundantly prosperous in all the work of your hand, in the fruit of your womb and in the fruit of your cattle and in the fruit of your ground. For the LORD will again take delight in prospering you, as he took delight in your fathers...

It is an excellent closing arguement, because it emphasizes the certainty of God's character and the importance of choosing wisely.

I call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and curse. Therefore choose life, that you and your offspring may live, loving the LORD your God, obeying his voice and holding fast to him, for he is your life and length of days, that you may dwell in the land that the LORD swore to your fathers, to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob, to give them.

What is interesting here is how Moses structures his speech as a call to action. "Do you desire blessing?" he seems to say. "Pursue it! Pursue it rightly, by repenting of sin and walking in obedience. Love God, love your neighbor. Enter joy by living in submission."

Recent days reminded me of the challenge presented by the world's self-centeredness. An atheist friend of mine recommended a book (called The Alchemist) which tries to beautify one young man's pursuit of his life purpose- conveniently ignoring the way he forsakes all duty, relational connections, and responsibility for the sake of finding what he wants. It is attractive because your mind tells you that the path will fulfill your longings.

After all, wouldn't it be nice to leave your spouse and family, leave your responsibilities, leave your problems? Do what you want, when you want? Never have to feel guilty?

It does sound nice. It is also a lie.

God calls us to something else entirely. He calls us to submission and sacrifice, to responsibility and suffering, to glorification of Him rather than of ourselves. And yet strangely, impossibly, and wonderfully- this path of suffering is the true path of joy and prosperity. What a God we serve.

The Horrors that Await Disobedience

My latest Deuteronomy (Ch. 28) reading was a little disturbing. It is a clear example of the Old Testament reward/punishment structure for the nation of Israel in response to their obedience or disobedience.

The simple, specific language (take note, all ye who would desire to be good writers!) is especially powerful. If you obey, it says, "Blessed shall you be in the city, and blessed shall you be in the field. Blessed shall be the fruit of your womb and the fruit of your ground and the fruit of your cattle, the increase of your herds and the young of your flock." Later it says, "And all the peoples of the earth shall see that you are called by the name of the Lord, and they shall be afraid of you. And the Lord will make you abound in prosperity…"

However, if they do NOT obey, the results are horrifying. "The Lord will strike you with wasting disease and with fever, inflammation and fiery heat, and with drought and with blight and with mildew. They shall pursue you until you perish." Not only that, but starvation will be so pervasive that, "The most tender and refined woman among you, who would not venture to set the sole of her foot on the ground because she is so delicate and tender, will begrudge to the husband she embraces, to her son and to her daughter, her afterbirth that comes out between her feet and her children whom she bears, because lacking everything she will eat them secretly, in the siege and in the distress with which your enemy shall distress you in your towns." It really does not get much worse than that.

What do you think it felt like, to be among the people receiving this communication from the Lord? Would it not drive you to moralism, to fear, to shame? On one hand, I think our tendency is to gloss over passages like this. We prefer to talk about Jesus, about love, about joy. But are those things even possible without their antithesis? Could the Israelites hope for a Savior to come without a desperate fear of their inability to save themselves?

One portion of faithfulness in the life of a Christian is meditating on all that we have been saved from. The driving, sickening fear of punishment is now a mild guilt; we learn to be dismayed at our sin, but do not feel the pits of hell advancing every time we make a mistake. We cry before God, but not in abject horror at the shrieking tortures awaiting those who fall into serious moral decay.

Yes, our situation is somewhat different. God no longer ties earthly wealth to ethical adherence. But ultimately, our situation is the same. Our disobedience equals death and horror, and we only have one location in history to look to for salvation: the life, death, resurrection, and offer of salvation by Christ to all those who place their faith in him.

It is good to read the Old Testament. It allows us to see our need not merely as individual sinners, but as humanity. And it ought to fill us with desire for the spread of the gospel, as the only hope of the nations.