Well, I’ve just about decided to give up on this whole emotion/empathy/lovey-dovey stuff. How do people live like this? I can’t even express how frustrated I am (but you know me, I’m going to take a shot at it anyways).

First of all, it’s annoying. I’m sick of caring, sick of being disappointed, sick of hanging on to the smallest hopes and sick of being disappointed. I don’t like being frustrated, feeling left out, or feeling unwanted. I don’t like being afraid of losing a relationship. I don’t like not knowing where I stand with people. I don’t like being hurt when I find out. I DON’T LIKE BEING EMOTIONAL.

Second, it’s getting to me. Part of the reason I’m effective in analyzing public policy, political theory, and the like is that I’m usually objective and unaffected by outside events. Putting value on connections with others, though, has been distracting. Since when have I had a hard time reading because I’m thinking about relationship issues? Heck, I haven’t even been able to concentrate on the news lately! (this is only significant to those non-existant few who are both Christians and politicians, you know what a huge deal this is).

Third, it isn’t helping. The goal at the outset of this semester was to be more open, more emotional, and more empathetic, with the purpose of growing closer in relationships with people. I have tried my best to make that happen, and it hasn’t. I blame nobody but myself, but it is clear that being emotional isn’t the answer. Though I have had some limited success in this area, I don’t know that it’s a result of my efforts. Perhaps it’s just different because people have already established relationships and aren’t looking for more, but if that’s the case then I have no reason to do this to myself anyways.

Fourth, and worst, is the fact that it’s hurting my relationship with God. Instead of being progressive, constructive, and safe, I’m finding that running back and forth emotionally severely affects (in negative ways) my quiet times and my ability to communicate with God.

I guess all this would be an acceptable learning situation to me if it weren’t for the amount that I’ve invested here. But with DC looming, I have to question. What’s it all been for? A few lessons and some timely advice? Give me a break. I’m wasting what I’ve got.

Hopefully things will start to turn up. Hopefully DC will be a new world. Hopefully I can get back to God and not hurt anyone in the process.

The principles seem so simple. Love God. Love others. Be a mirror reflecting God. Walk in the steps of Christ.

The problems seem so stupid. Loneliness. Smallness. Hurt.

I can overcome this. I know I can. I think, though, that emotion has proven to be a useless tool in my unskilled hands. Others may use it well, but I clearly cannot. It may have to go the way of the dodo in my life.

I’ve stopped caring that DC is a month and a half away. What should that be telling me?

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