Off to Louisville!

Well, I'm off to Louisville. I'll be previewing what I hope is the seminary I'll be attending in a year or so, seeing an old friend, and attending the "Together for the Gospel" conference. All in a week and a half! Please pray for me. I've been struggling with worry about the future, and it's just not the right attitude.

Also, pray for my darling wife! I'm so excited for her... she'll be graduating in just a couple weeks! That will be a relief, but now we need to know what she should be doing next.

Finally, all you UBC people out there should be praying for the development of small groups in our church. It'll be interesting to see what happens this summer.

Thanks!

On Mirrors and Messangers

The other day, Samantha was hanging out with some school friends when one made a comment that the Bible is just a fictional story anyways. Well, she couldn’t just let that pass, could she? So, she challenged the comment, and it started a spirited debate about the validity and truth of Christianity, as well as the idea of relativism vs. absolutism (not in so many words, of course- it was more of one girl suggesting that Christianity can be true for one person but not for another, which of course is completely illogical).

I was really proud of Samantha for standing up for her beliefs, but she expressed frustration at the same time. When you come away from a discussion like that, you almost inevitably feel a sense of frustration and loss, as though you have lost a fight and aren’t sure why.

This was my experience growing up as well. In high school and early college, I thought that I would be able to debate people into realizing that Christianity is at least intellectually viable. Each time I got involved in an argument, though, I found that I came away feeling bad. This would push me to know apologetics even better. Eventually, I became good enough that most people would acknowledge that I tended to “win” the debates I fought in. However, I still felt awful for some reason.

This is a big problem in day-to-day evangelism. We all have a natural tendency to be “strategic” in our relationships. We focus on saying the right things and acting the right way so that over time, we will build friendships where people feel comfortable because they are never challenged. This natural tendency causes us to feel a lot of discomfort and embarrassment when we evangelize. We just need to get over this tendency, right?

Well… perhaps. I AM proud of Samantha, and I do think there is a good time (and way) to stand up for your faith and clearly state your beliefs. She did the right thing. At the same time, neither she nor I should think that is all there is to evangelism. In fact, I’d even say arguing about philosophy or the Bible is at best a very small part of evangelism. So then, what IS our evangelistic calling?

Well, I think it is two things:

-First, we are called to be MIRRORS of God. He made us in his image, and in many ways we destroy that image through sin. As Christians, we should be seeking holiness, trying to become more and more like Christ each day. This process of sanctification causes us to reflect God and His attributes to the world. He shines on us, and we in turn mirror that image toward the world. Through our lives, they should see God’s love, grace, mercy, compassion, justice, wrath against sin, and faithfulness. The people around us should clearly see that we are different in how we live our lives and in what we value… can you say that your friends see you all that differently?

And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit. -2 Corinthians 3:18

-Second, we are called to be MESSANGERS of God. He has given us His glorious Gospel. This message of good news is the only thing that can save the world from its sins. As Christians, it HAS saved us from our sins. Out of gratitude to God, out of love for our friends and neighbors, and out of fear for the eternal state of our peers, how can we not spread this message? If we want to do the best service we can to those we meet, we must present the gospel in all its fullness, as clearly and accurately as possible. Only then are we being the true faithful messengers that God has called us to be. Only then can we be sure that those we care about have truly heard the Word of the Lord. We must not create some false gospel of our own- we must be faithful messengers.

Therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord, nor of me his prisoner, but share in suffering for the gospel by the power of God, who saved us and called us to a holy calling, not because of our works but because of his own purpose and grace, which he gave us in Christ Jesus before the ages began, and which now has been manifested through the appearing of our Savior Christ Jesus, who abolished death and brought life and immortality to light through the gospel. -2 Timothy 1:8-10

Let this be our standard; to love God, to reflect his image, and to carry his message. When this is our definition of success, how radically will it change our lives?

For the word of the cross is folly to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. For it is written, "I will destroy the wisdom of the wise, and the discernment of the discerning I will thwart."
Where is the one who is wise? Where is the scribe? Where is the debater of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? For since, in the wisdom of God, the world did not know God through wisdom, it pleased God through the folly of what we preach to save those who believe. -1 Corinthians 1:18-21

Ben's Type of Sermon, Tozer's Type of Preacher

Hm... well, my sermon didn't turn out EXACTLY like my outline. It was close enough, I suppose. The most common comment I recieved afterward from people was, "Well, you don't pull any punches!" This is scary for a preacher, because you know it's likely that you've hurt some feelings. I don't want to be cruel or a jerk or anything.

However, when I felt God's call to the ministry, I promised that I would be passionate about trying to become the RIGHT kind of preacher. I hope and pray that Sunday's sermon was in that vein. There's a link at the end of this post so that you can listen to it! Also, I've included an article by A.W. Tozer that describes the kind of pastor and preacher I hope I am becoming in God's strength and God's time (and hopefully God's wisdom, as well!).


Pastoral Ministry: A New Type of Preacher

But none of these things move me; nor do I count my life dear to myself, so that I may finish my race with joy, and the ministry which I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God. --Acts 20:24

If Christianity is to receive a rejuvenation, it must be by other means than any now being used. If the Church in the second half of this century is to recover from the injuries she suffered in the first half, there must appear a new type of preacher. The proper, ruler-of-the-synagogue type will never do. Neither will the priestly type of man who carries out his duties, takes his pay and asks no questions, nor the smooth-talking pastoral type who knows how to make the Christian religion acceptable to everyone. All these have been tried and found wanting.

Another kind of religious leader must arise among us. He must be of the old prophet type, a man who has seen visions of God and has heard a voice from the Throne. When he comes (and I pray God there will be not one but many), he will stand in flat contradiction to everything our smirking, smooth civilization holds dear. He will contradict, denounce and protest in the name of God and will earn the hatred and opposition of a large segment of Christendom. Such a man is likely to be lean, rugged, blunt-spoken and a little bit angry with the world. He will love Christ and the souls of men to the point of willingness to die for the glory of the One and the salvation of the other. But he will fear nothing that breathes with mortal breath.

"Lord, in the first half of this current century this need is even greater. Send to Your church today many who have 'seen visions of God and...heard a voice from the Throne.' Amen."

-A.W. Tozer

http://www.allbyself.com/music/03.19.06%20-%20SacrificialWorshipInTheChurch.mp3

Sermon text

Here's my sermon for Sunday, March 19.

"Who is John Galt?"

That question is both the opening line and in a sense the theme of a book entitled Atlas Shrugged, by Ayn Rand. Her purpose was to share her personal philosophical outlook, which she called objectivism. In the book, Ms. Rand describes a world where the most productive people in the world decide to go on strike. They simply quit. All the strong leaders, the greatest inventors, industrialists, businesspeople, philosophers, music composers… they decide that they are sick of carrying the world on their shoulders like the mythological Atlas… and so they simply shrug the responsibility straight off. They decide that the only thing in the world that is important to them is their own lives, their own accomplishment, and their own desires.
This concept is brought to a head when the infamous John Galt shows the heroine a building that contains a brilliant invention he has made, but refuses to share with the world. In a sense, the building represents the anti-church… there is no God, there are no people, and there is no community, but instead it is a shrine to human achievement and ingenuity.
Let me read you how Rand describes this building:

"The door of the structure was a straight, smooth sheet of stainless steel, softly lustrous and bluish in the sun. Above it, cut in the granite, as the only feature of the building's rectangular austerity, there stood an inscription.
I swear by my life and my love of it that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine."

At first, we might merely call this philosophical perspective distasteful… but are we truly all that different? What percentage of our lives do we actually give to others? To God? Isn't it true that we feel a strong sense of entitlement to the wealth or life that we build and create?

Ayn Rand's philosophy of objectivism may not have garnered popular acclaim, but we see its results all around us. Our country has become increasingly self-centered. Advertising is focused on getting you to buy things that you want for yourself. Work is not seen as a way of helping the world, but as a way of getting money, and sometimes power, for yourself. The legal system is no longer focused on protecting people, but instead is used to give people the right to anything they want get, be it abortion or homosexual marriage or divorce on demand… for themselves. Everything about our culture is self-centered.

Really, though, this isn't even the most fearsome thing. What's really horrific is the fact that the church has bought into this kind of thinking. Rather than calling Christians to a life of self-sacrifice, some megachurches are designing entertaining programs to speak to people's "felt needs," but are failing to preach the full gospel. Some emergent churches are suggesting that all you need is a vague sense of spirituality, and that the truth is somewhat relative. Some easy believism churches are suggesting that all you need to do is think in your head that you want Jesus to come into your heart, and it doesn't matter what your life looks like after that. My friends, the church is infested with just as much self-centeredness as the world!

Now, in our heads, we know this can't be right. Today, I'd like for us to consider what the Apostle Paul says our lives should look like when God calls us out from the destructive self-centeredness of the world. Let's begin with prayer.

-Lord, you are our King. Your glory is the reason we exist.
-But God, we forsake your service. We try to go our own way, to create lives that give us what we want, without realizing that you know our needs better than we ever could.
-Forgive us, Father. Help us to understand the things you show us in Scripture, and help us to respond correctly to your teaching. We are weak, Lord, but we do want to honor you. Help us to do it rightly.
In Jesus name, amen.

The situation in Rome was a somewhat uncertain one. In the early days of the church, missionaries would travel to one city at a time. At each city, they would first preach the gospel message. When they had a group of committed believers, they would choose a few of them to be elders. These elders became the leaders and foundation of a new church. That church would use their knowledge of the gospel message and the Old Testament Scriptures to guide their understanding of God. In some areas, though, they would get out of hand, and the apostle who established the church would write letters to them to correct them. Those letters were copied and circulated to the surrounding churches, and they became the New Testament.
Rome, though, was unique. As they used to say, "All roads lead to Rome." The church in Rome was composed of believers who came from various parts of the Roman Empire, and had been saved in different contexts. Some may have been in Israel when the Holy Spirit came upon the apostles at Pentecost. Some may have received the gospel through missionaries in other lands, or through Christians in the Roman military. The church would have been mostly Gentile, but would have had a strong Jewish Christian component as well.
Because of these circumstances, there was probably a lot of uncertainty in the church. They may have had conflicting understandings of the gospel message, and they may have been arguing about the right way to live. The Jews were claiming that they had a better understanding of God than Gentiles because of their rich spiritual history, while the Gentiles felt that God had turned away from the Jews because of their unbelief.
Paul, then, is thinking about all these things when he writes his letter. In the context of trying to balance the questions and arguments going on in the church of Rome, he seeks to answer three main questions.
1.) What is the gospel?
2.) What is the place of ethnic Israel in light of the gospel?
3.) Once we have the gospel, how should we then live?
Paul's purpose in Romans is to answer these questions.

-In chapters 1-8, Paul explains the gospel message in all its fullness. This should be an example to us… Christ and his gift of salvation is the BEGINNING of all theology! All our understanding of the Bible is incomplete without Christ's saving act on the cross. If we want to protect ourselves from false doctrines and be growing in spiritual maturity, we MUST begin with a clear and excellent understanding of the gospel.

Well, what is this message? The message is this.
-God created a world where everything, especially mankind, is designed to worship him.
-However, each of us has chosen to make ourselves the center of our lives rather than him. We have engaged in all sorts of destructive behaviors for the sake of our self indulgence. These sins complete separate us from the joy and beauty of being in God's presence.
-Once we sinned, there was no hope for us because we could not attain righteousness. However, Jesus Christ, who is God, came to earth and lived a perfect life. He was punished and killed as if he WAS a sinner, and yet he rose to life again three days later, showing that he is, in fact, God! Because of this sacrifice on his part, he has the right to forgive us and make us righteous again in God's sight despite our sin.
-If we want to regain a right relationship with God, we must turn away from our sins, accept Christ's offer of salvation, and commit ourselves to serving and glorifying God with our lives.
-This is the gospel message, and it is the core of all that we are and all that we do as Christians.

Well, Paul goes on to answer the second question in chapters 9-11. The Jews were feeling slighted, because it seemed as though the Christians were preaching that God had forgotten them and their long, rich history of being his chosen people.

-Paul made it clear to them that God is free to choose whomever he will to be saved. He also reminded them that salvation only comes through faith, not through works. However, he does acknowledge that God has always had a special relationship with Israel, and that he has a unique plan for them.

And so we come to chapter 12, where Paul is beginning to answer the question of how we should live once we have received the gospel. Verses 1-8 are a transitional passage, in that Paul is preparing us for the rest of his teachings by telling us how we should see ourselves and our job here on earth in relation to God. The passage is key because it should shape the way we view our mission and our lives.

Let's first look at the key verses, verses 1 and 2.
The first thing that Paul tells us to do is to not conform to the world. Recognize the dangers it holds and shy away from that type of thinking. Be honest about the things in your life that are designed for your pleasure rather than God's glory. So often we rationalize the fact that we are very much like the world by saying "Oh, the Bible doesn't say it's wrong, so it's ok for us. There's nothing wrong with it." The problem, though, is that the Bible DOES speak against sins of OMISSION just as much as it does against sins of COMMISSION. In other words, it is not enough for us to just avoid major sins. We must also pursue the things God desires for us to do.

To that end, Paul tells us secondly, think differently. In fact, we should not just think differently, but should completely renew the way that we understand the world. The old way of self-indulgence and self-centeredness needs to be thrown out. Because God has changed your life, you must change the way you think about it.

A renewed mind is one that has God's message of salvation at its center. It trusts God's sovereignty completely. It recognizes that his guidance and commands in Scripture are true and good for us. Above all, a renewed mind trusts and worships God in all things. Only that level of trust will allow us to truly know God's perfect will.

Once we truly have this worshipful mindset, the only right action that we can take is to offer ourselves as living sacrifices. What is a sacrifice? A sacrifice is an offering. You don't get an obvious return on investment. Think of the Old Testament sacrifices. The animal was just… given, and nothing obvious was given back. This needs to be our attitude- to be joyful in giving to God without any obvious repayment, because the sacrifices of our lives can NEVER compare to His sacrifice, and they can NEVER measure up to the mercy and grace Christ showed us at the cross. We ought to be PASSIONATE about sacrificing ourselves for His cause!

So then, how shall we live once we understand this gospel?

We should first flee the self-centered practices of the world. We should change and even completely renew the way that we think by placing Christ and his work on the cross at the center of the way we consider ourselves. We must then become people who are willing to sacrifice every aspect our lives for the glory of God. That is the calling and the mission of everyone who would call themselves Christians.

But what should we do in PRACTICE to fulfill that calling?
Romans 12:3-8
First, we see that we should not think of ourselves more highly than we ought. The wording here is talking about the way we understand ourselves and the direction of our lives. Paul tells us that we need to realize that God has given us faith in Him so that we can serve him and know that it is for a good purpose. We should not think that we are above service or that our desires are more important than the needs of the church.

Next, we MUST use the blessings that God has given us in service to the church! That is the kind of sacrifice that He asks of us… a living sacrifice of service. As Paul shows us, this living sacrifice of service should be given to Christ's Body, which is the church. We are called to take our money, our time, and our talents, and to USE them. We are members of ONE body, and we are members of one another. We all have different functions, but we must all share in the mission and the burden and the joy of service in Christ's body. Only then are we truly honoring Him, and only then are we truly reflecting God's glory.

So, let me ask you. Would it be easy for an outsider to describe your life as a living sacrifice to God? The world has no trouble recognizing sacrifice. "Whoah, look at that guy sacrifice his body!" they might say, while watching a football game. Or think of Pat Tillman, the football player who gave up millions of dollars a year to serve his country, and was killed as a result. The world recognizes sacrifice… do they see it in you?

Let's get specific. If you are not a Christian today, we welcome you to our church. We do want to share with you the joy of being a Christian. But we also want you to realize what a challenge it truly is… to be a Christian is to be someone who is wholly committed to serving God with their life. Is he calling you? Consider carefully, because you are playing with eternal matters. Will you commit yourself to God? Will you become a living sacrifice?

For those of you who are not members of the church- why aren't you? Do you realize that it is dishonoring to God when you refuse to commit to and serve your local church? Do you realize that you are sinning by withholding the gifts God has given you? When will you truly commit yourselves to God's service? When will you be a true living sacrifice?

College students- Are you using your energy and flexibility to honor God? Are you learning the disciplines that will help you grow in spiritual maturity for the rest of your life? Are you preparing yourself for a life of service to Him? Are you a living sacrifice?

Ladies- Are you supporting and encouraging other members of the body in their acts of worship and areas of ministry, rather than protecting your own? Are you responding to Scriptural teaching with obedience, rather than letting your Christian walk be dominated by emotional moralism and relationships? Are you a living sacrifice?

Men- Are you helping to lead the congregation in a godly direction, or are you sitting back and passively waiting for others to take charge? Are you studying the Scriptures carefully to protect the church from false teachings? Are you spending your strength in defense of the weak? Are you a living sacrifice?

Friends, the world is screaming at us that the individual is all that matters. Pursue health, wealth, and self gratification! Enjoy yourself! You are different… nobody can tell you what to do!

Remember the quote from Ayn Rand's book? "I swear by my life and my love of it that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine."

My friend, this self-indulgent, self-glorifying attitude is completely contrary to the truth. It is a lie, intended to suck you into a meaningless existence, where only self and its desires matter. It is a whirlpool, draining a person's life of any earthly good or heavenly value.

As Christians, that is not our calling. Instead, we are called to humbly sit at the foot of God's throne. We are called to be obedient servants. We are called to love and teach and admonish each other. We are called to be members of the body. We are called to be living sacrifices. THAT is our spiritual act of worship to the God who has saved us. May God help us in pursuit of that goal. Let's pray.

Prayer: "God, how desperately we need your help. We love to serve ourselves. We love to pay attention to our TVs and our sports teams and our gossip and our news… and yet we ignore the very real needs here at our church, which is your body. Father, help us to see our own self-indulgence. Help us to renew our minds, so that we can discern your will and honor your name. Help us to be living sacrifices. In Jesus name, amen."

Sermon

Hey folks,

Please pray for me! My sermon for Sunday is coming together, but as always I'm dealing with a thousand thoughts and worries at once. Pray that the message would be clear and completely true to Scripture. Pray that God's voice would be audible, making Him the focus and not me. And pray that I don't say anything dumb! :-)

The sermon is on Romans 12:1-8, in case you want to prepare beforehand.

Side notes

Here's one of those fun games:

http://kevan.org/johari?name=blbartlett

It's interesting to see what my friends think of me... some answers were expected, but some really surpised me (in a good way).

In other news, I've begun reading Ayn Rand's book, Atlas Shrugged. VERY powerful book, and I'm only on chapter 3. I think she is what I would have become if God hadn't changed my life. Now there's a scary hypothetical, huh?

A Blessing for Church Members

Consider the grace God has shown in your life. Blessings abound, and each new challenge brings depth and understanding to your relationship with God.

That has certainly been my experience. What I have found, though, is that there has been no greater area of blessing on my life than that of the Church. I've especially been meditating on this of late because a friend encouraged me to write out my prayers for the church as a starting point for a project we're doing. I hope this blessing will benefit you in your reflections and meditations on your own experience with the church.

A Blessing for Church Members

Dear friend, my prayers for you are these;

I pray that you enter a church for the first time with fear and trembling, wanting to be loved but afraid of being unwanted. May you find big smiles, warm handshakes, and maybe even an invitation to lunch.

I pray that you experience relationships, that the process of opening yourself up would be continual. May each new face be a new opportunity to be vulnerable, be known, and be loved.

I pray that people recommend books to you, especially of the old variety. A few will be cheesy, but that's ok. You'll learn from all of them.

I pray that you will be led well in the beginning, and will lead others down the road. Nothing will grow you like good leadership, and nothing will mature you like leading.

I pray that you will be teachable. Everyone has something to offer, and it's your job to listen. May you realize, too, that each conversation you have is also an opportunity for you to teach others.

I pray that you will get hurt or put out financially by your service to the church. I especially pray that nobody will know about it, or at least that praise won't be your motivation. May you look at the walls of your old church and remember problems and conflict in a personal way. Love that requires nothing of the giver is no love at all.

I pray that you will experience chastisement, maybe even discipline. It will show you that the church is doing its job in helping you fulfill your commitment to Christ.

I pray that you will spend hours on a committee arguing about seemingly minor things. It's not real service until you've taken bureaucratic tedium in stride.

I pray that delight will brighten your heart when another member shares their joys, and I pray that your stomach will drop with a sickening thud when you hear of their pains. I pray for the reverse as well… you will have the hard times and need sympathy, and you will want others to be excited when you share your triumphs.

I pray that would grow to love the sacraments. The beauty of remembering Christ's death and resurrection and the joy of regeneration symbolized are as wonderful as they are meaningful.

I pray that you would participate in making your church a light in the town and in the world. Anything else would be small, and would disregard obvious commands. May the entire community bless God because of His obvious work in you.

I pray that you would give. Money is a fleeting thing and you'll be embarrassed by every penny you fail to put to good use. May God's ministry of meeting real needs be shown clearly in your life.

I pray that hours would be spent in tears, distressed by the sheer ugliness of your sins. I pray, too, for the joy that comes when you remember God's amazing grace.

I pray for prayer, bible study, worship, service, relationships, evangelism, and all the other things that go with being a true servant of the King.

I pray that you would see souls repent of their sins, turn away from themselves toward God, and be radically changed by his offer of salvation. It is the miracle of all miracles, and it should never lose its freshness.

In fact, I pray that the gospel would continually refresh you as well, that its power would be reinforced in your mind. May you be aware that this is a gift that cannot grow old.

I pray that God would be glorified. I pray you realize that your commitment to His Bride is the vehicle He prescribed to accomplish that purpose. I pray that you will forever be a part of the body, and never a part of nothing but yourself. I pray that God would be honored by your life, and I praise God because He has promised that it shall be.

Contend for the Faith

I hope I'm doing what's right. Sometimes I struggle with uncertainty over the seemingly minor things I find myself contending for. Do I really need to witness to her, when she's a part of the Pentecostal church? Is it really necessary to rewrite the statement of faith? Is the Emergent Church really swaying toward heresy?

I enjoy the role God's given me, but I'm afraid I struggle with the responsibility. I would never want to lead my friends astray. So, I put hours and hours of thought and study into understanding my faith, hoping that I can account for as many things as possible. I want to be sure that I'm not saying something that will hurt their understanding of how to serve God.

As my blog quotes, though, what is required of a steward is that he be found faithful. In my time at MSU and now UBC, I have tried to be faithful. It has been imperfect, certainly, but I have tried. There can be no other standard. As long as I feel God's Truth is at stake or being challanged, I have no choice but to speak clearly in its defense. Of course, the Word doesn't NEED my defense, but that doesn't remove my responsibility to contend for it just the same.

I hope and pray that it has been to God's glory, and not mine. God help me.

A True Mentor

Well, I've been a little lax in my postings recently. Hopefully I'll improve, but we'll have to wait and see.

Have you ever had a true mentor? This person would be someone who knows you well, and can give thoughtful sympathy and advice. They can anticipate your weaknesses and inner struggles, and help you see the right way out.

Most of us would say no, because we rarely have the opportunity to let someone with more wisdom than we have get that close to us. Today, though, I'm especially thankful for my books, because they provide that same wisdom. Great authors pour out their hearts and minds, and I get to listen and consider and be changed by their wisdom.

Are you open to what books can teach you? Or do you really believe that you don’t need help from anyone in seeking wisdom?

New Directions

One of the hard things about a person close to you dying is that you don't really know what comes next. Everyone tells you to sorta "get on with your life," but who the heck knows what that means? If it means just trying to make money and do my job, that's not really what I care about. If it means doing what I care about (church stuff), right now there isn't enough of it to really fill my empty times. Being married certainly helps, because there's a lot more going on in your life, but even so it's hard to know what comes next.

Recently, though, I am feeling that God may be taking me in a new direction. I am reading one of my wonderful Puritan books, entitled "The Rare Jewel of Christian Contentment," by Jeremiah Burroughs. In this book, he teaches how we can have a more godly perspective on what God has given us in our lives, and how we can use that to find joy in times of sorrow or pain.

God is using a remarkable confluence of events to prepare me to learn some new things;
-Reading "The Rare Jewel of Christian Contentment" is teaching me more about contentment, humility, and patience.
-Contemplating my mom's life has shown me her humility, her love, and her commitment.
-Dealing with her death is teaching me contentment.
-Preparing to teach the Beatitudes and the book of James is showing me more about what it means to be "poor in spirit."
-Meeting some people with amazing humility and being impressed just to spend time with them.
-Preparing for Seminary
-Being impressed by my dad's humble use of his money and influence.

I think I'm about to come to a time where God is going to try to show me what it means to be more content with the many gifts he has given, and to use that perspective to be more humble and joyful in my life. I can only pray that I will be open to His teaching. I'm a bit nervous, because I've so easily rejected Him time and time again. Keep praying for me!


Speaking of which, thank you so much to all my dear friends who have been praying for my family and I. It has been quite an experience to see God answering your prayers, and quite wonderful for me to feel the love and support you have offered. Many times in the quiet of the night, a person worries that their life has no impact, that their friends don't really care. You have shown me that when I have those fears, they are completely unfounded. I love you dearly.

Ben

Eulogy

This is the eulogy I gave at my mom’s funeral today. Over 500 people came! We were expecting less than 300, so it was a great turnout. The funeral was beautiful, and it was an excellent portrayal of who she was and what she stood for.

How do you measure one person’s life?

How do you measure one person’s life? As my family has watched my mom deteriorate over the last few months, each of us has been forced to consider her life and to come to grips with what she means to us. We have to ask ourselves who this person was, and we have to define and clarify why she was important.

Well, was it because she was successful in the world’s eyes? There’s certainly a case to be made there. She was a simple girl from Canada, without any major achievements in academics, athletics, or music.

However, after catching my dad’s eye and becoming his wife, she became half of a very important marriage (and let’s be honest… she was the by far the more attractive and conversational half). This marriage would move up the corporate ladder, would attend inaugurations and important business trips. Together they would become a key part of their church community, bringing all kinds of support and leadership. This marriage would parent four kids, each of whom would distinguish themselves in various ways. Together they would go on mission trips, support missionaries, and become involved in Michigan Theological Seminary. By sometimes supporting my dad in his pursuits and sometimes dragging him along behind in hers, my mom had what anyone would deem a successful life.

The thing is, she would never have seen it that way. Her humility was too great. Yes, my dad was successful in business… but he hesitated to tell her when he got bonuses or raises, knowing that she would complain that he made too much money.

Yes, she went to all sorts of places for missions… but she would prefer taking on the dirtiest and hardest jobs when she did so, caring more about seeing people served well than she did about being proud just for having gone.

Yes, she had four pretty decent kids… but she challenged us constantly, never content with having “just” good kids. She made it a priority to stretch us in every way possible; if you were smart, she wanted you to learn compassion. If you won, she wanted you to learn grace. If you lost, she wanted you to learn character. If you got out of line, she wanted you to learn about the loving hand of discipline, helping you get back IN line.

You see, my mom hated the idea of seeing oneself as successful. Something much deeper and stronger drove her, and it would be dishonoring if we only remembered her as a successful person.

So, then, how do you measure one person’s life? Do you measure it by their general goodness, by their acts of service?

Again, my mom can make a great case for this. Her list of acts of service would be a mile long. Consider these things:

If you know what is meant by terms like Air Force One and The Beast, you know my mom was a servant. She spent countless hours driving my siblings and I in those stupid vans of hers to a multitude of friends houses, church events, and sporting events. Just imagine trying to juggle four schedules that include gymnastics, tennis, basketball, soccer, band, ultimate Frisbee, youth group, Awana, school projects, plays, birthday parties, movies, and so much more. THEN try to imagine throwing in kids who forget their lunchboxes, picking up 10-12 high school kids to be thrown in the van for youth group each week, driving to camp and back every summer, teaching kids to drive, running errands to the church, shopping for the family, finding Christmas gifts every year, and visiting friends and family. That gives you a small taste of how my mom served others with her van.

If you have ever seen her at the front of the room, you know she is a servant. She didn’t like being an up-front type of leader, and yet she put the Awana program at Lake Pointe together, acting for years as its “commander” (an apt term if I ever heard one). She also put lots of effort into mission trips, leading kids from all sorts of locations in singing songs about Jesus, hoping desperately that the lessons would sink in and that the kids would come to know God. She wasn’t a great speaker, but nobody who has heard her lectures can deny that she had a force of personality that would make itself heard, even if words and their technical meanings were more of an obstacle than an ally.

If you have ever seen her cry for others, you know my mom is a servant. Her love for people was so deep that it would bring her to tears on a consistent basis. She loved everyone. She loved her family, even when that involved heartache. She loved every high school kid she ever met, even when they would turn away from God and pursue their own path. She loved families, patiently teaching parents how to be better parents, while simultaneously gaining a reputation as one of the top “baby stealers” Lake Pointe ever had.

But the thing is, I don’t think my mom would want to be defined by her good works either. While they were an important part of who she was, she didn’t do those things because they made her feel good, or because she was trying to “put a little love in the world” or anything like that. No, my mom’s motivation went much deeper.

How do you measure one person’s life? At the end of the day, my mom could only and would only measure herself by her faithfulness to God’s calling. She and I fought quite a bit, and when we reached a point of high frustration she would always say, “Before the Lord, I can only make this choice.”

She wanted to honor God with every part of her life. Everything about how she interacted with people and loved them and served them was designed to reflect Him. She loved her family, but we all knew that if God had called her to be a missionary, she would have gone. Nothing was more important to her than what her Savior wanted.

My mom’s life was a terrific success. She radiated God’s presence, even in the times when she hurt our feelings, crushed our ambitions or challenged us when we thought we were doing the right thing. She taught us all to love others more, to examine ourselves more carefully, and to desire God above all else. She showed us that just living out our comfortable lives doesn’t make sense if we say that we believe in a God who has redeemed us. She showed us that no matter how hard WE think we have worked to love God in our lives, there is always more.

We love our mom. She was a mother, a friend, a prophet, and a martyr. Her love and sincerity were intense and unrelenting. We love her not because she helped us relax, but because she would never let us relax. As so many have said to us, her life made a deep impression, and we could never be who we are if it weren’t for her.

I want to close by sharing the words of an old hymn that reminded me of my mom.

Have Thine Own way, Lord! Have thine own way!
Thou are the Potter, I am the clay.
Mold me and Make me, after thy will,
While I am waiting, yielded and still.

Have Thine Own way, Lord! Have thine own way!
Search me and try me, Master today!
Whiter than snow, Lord wash me just now,
As in thy presence, humbly I bow.

Have Thine Own way, Lord! Have thine own way!
Wounded and weary, help me I pray!
Power, all power surely is Thine,
Touch me and heal me, Savior divine!

Have Thine Own way, Lord! Have thine own way!
Hold o’er my being absolute sway!
Fill with Thy Spirit till all shall see,
Christ only, always, living in me.

Her Time Came

It was about 6:15 this morning when it happened.

My dad woke me up and asked me to get my sister. I did so, while he went and woke my brothers. The five of us sat together and watched my mother's life slip away.

The tears were hard, but subdued. We certainly couldn't complain of having no warning. We cried for a while. Eventually my dad had to go and call someone to take the body away.

After that, we spent a few minutes “wandering,” just dealing with our hurt. We then prayed together.

Now we’re just trying to think about the next step. It’s amazing how much the loss of one person can change your outlook on things, even when it’s someone you interact with only every other week or so.

I love my mom. Today is going to be a hard day.

Preparing for the end.

Today my mom asked if I had any requests for her funeral.

How do you answer a question like that?

I was sitting on the sink in my parents' giant bathroom. I knew it would be a hard conversation, but I had planned on finding sneaky ways of keeping it smooth and pleasant. For instance, I wanted to ask her if she had any advice for the future, or to find out what being a parent is like. I wanted to ask what kind of person she wanted me to be, or to laugh about how many people have been offering forms of comfort that are less than theraputic. I wanted it to be nice because I still have a hard time being emotional in front of most people.

That stuff wasn't on her agenda, though. She wanted to know if I can handle representing my siblings, or if I had preferences on being a pallbearer or not. Oh Mom, how can I possibly think about that now?

She started to describe some of the things she and my dad had already worked out, like having one viewing day rather than two and not being creamated. I lasted for all of 10 seconds with that kind of talk, and "strained" into tears (the term "burst" never felt right for that particular action with me). Of course, being a mom, she had to come and hug and comfort me. How do you like that for backwards?

As I sat there, patting her bony back and avoiding her swollen stomach, I struggled to understand the sheer ugliness of the whole ordeal. I feel horrible about it, but there have been a dozen times I've wished that she'd been hit by a car rather than this. Has anyone ever deserved it less than her?

Of course, I don't know that I would have been forced to confront what my mom means to me if it hadn't been this way. Rather than avoid the guilt and frustration and anger that characterized my understanding of her before, I've been forced to deal with them head-on. I've had to cry through hating myself for the things I've said to her, had to forgive the things she said to me, and had to come to terms with the fact that our relationship isn't the gem it should have been if I was a better person.

This journey is a needed one. Without it, I'm just a kid who managed to get away from home. With it, I'm taking one more step toward being the man she would have wanted to see. God has given an opportunity far purer than one of "saying goodbye" or "a painless death." Instead, he's given the gift of cleansing to a relationship that needed it so desperately.

So with clogged throat and leaking eyes, I will lift up the name of the God who loves my mom more than I ever have or could. I will wait for the time when thoughts of my mom are full of reverent joy rather than immediate sadness. I'll cry out in pain knowing that it's a piece of the "life to the fullest" that Christ has offered. I will wait. And I know my God will answer.

Mixed emotions

These days, I'm trying to learn how to deal with mixed emotions.

For instance, I had a great time over Thanksgiving break, but it was hard to see my mom deteriorating. I guess I never realized how amazingly active cancer can be. Two years ago, my mom turned yellow while she was traveling in Israel. Since then, her life has been a constant state of attempting recovery, in what ultimately looks as though it will be a losing battle. I guess I thought of it more like a tired quietness, like a person whose heart is just too weary to keep beating. Instead, it is more of an angry little beast, scurrying around her body and finding new ways to drive her mad. It's hard to watch.

On the other hand, I love seeing what God is doing here in Lansing. I love our little church. Our theology is terrible and people have a hard time seeing large themes in their treasured traditions and we don't have elders and we allow women speakers and we can't get a prayer group started to save our lives, but I love it.

I love that people who were born before the atom bomb care about whether or not I have a job. I love that people are curious about my relationship with my wife. I love that they let me preach even though they know I'm going to say hard things. I love that they listen to things they don't want to hear. I love that they love us.

I also enjoy my job. It's exciting work, things that would have had me geeked out of my mind three short years ago. Of course, at that time I was an aspiring politician just starting to date my second girlfriend and hoping to graduate. Now, though, I get to deal with trends and projections, use statistical charts and make gut calls. It's a load of good experience for me.

And, of course, I love being married. You really haven't lived until you wander around in the morning with bleary eyes, messy hair, and bad breath, and get a good-morning kiss anyways. More importantly, I love that when I cry Samantha cries with me. I love that when I'm tired she gives me hugs, and even when I'm procrastinating on my chores she feeds me and cares about my day.

Most of all, though, I love seeing how badly I need God. Whether it's my nervous sermons, my complex job duties, or loving my somewhat emotional wife, I desperately need His guidance. As I learn to need it more and more, I learn to love more deeply the amazing things He has done for me, and I learn to praise the kind of God that can glorify Himself by doing that.

So, it's mixed emotions. Sometimes it feels like trying to appreciate a beautiful car with a big dent in the side. In the end, though, I know that what God is doing is right, and I can only be amazed at what He's given.

Feng Shui and Ethanol

One of the fun things about being someone who loves to teach is that you can't help but see metaphors, allegories, and fables in everyday life. Today I found one coming to mind, and I wanted to share it because it speaks quite deeply to the type of person I want to become.

Before that, though, I should share a conversation I had with a friend the other day. We were discussing the way that you express yourself to people… sometimes it can be so frustrating, because you feel like you've misrepresented yourself or have been misunderstood. When that happens, people know you wrongly, and most don't want to be known wrongly.

The conclusion we came to is that, rather than be completely vulnerable –which is hard to do without being a self-centered burden- and rather than lie to people –which gives the wrong impression and makes relationships hard- a person should try to express their VALUES as clearly as possible when they relate to others. If you can clearly communicate what you care about, the value you place on things, and the way you approach life, people will have a framework for knowing you. When you do things wrong, they'll know that it isn't who you really try to be… because they trust your values. When you display unusual passion about something, they'll know you care because it's in line with your values. When someone lies about you, your friends will know it is untrue, because they trust your values. Your life will be an expression of what you love.

Keep that in mind.

The metaphor I wanted to share comes from an episode of, "The West Wing." In it, two presidential candidates have very similar schedules, and you get to see how similar they are as people, even though they're from different parties. Both are giving speeches in the state of Iowa regarding a gasoline additive made from corn products. Both believe that the policy is a bad one. Both spend the entire day arguing with their advisors, who want them to say that the policy is good to get more votes. In both cases, when the speech is about to start, the teleprompter has a speech saying it is a good policy.

In one case, the candidate looks at the teleprompter, hesitates, and then gives the speech, going against his own convictions. He feels terrible the rest of the night.

In the other case, the candidate looks at the teleprompter, hesitates, and then gives a speech detailing why he disagrees with the policy, standing on his convictions. He is likely to lose the state and possibly the election… but he stuck to his guns.

I've been having a hard time thinking about the future lately. On the one hand, I could just stay in the business world, making money, having a family, helping lead the church, and being a good citizen. Nobody would blame me, and some people think it's the best thing for me and for my family.

On the other, I believe God has called me to be a pastor. Getting through seminary and then going into a very uncertain and low-paying profession is a tough prospect. I worry about what impact it could have on my family, or how many people I would need help from to get through. It's a far less certain thing.

At the end, though, it comes down to a question of love and values. What do I value? What do I love?

I want to protect my wife and any kids we may have. I want to provide for them, love them, and nurture them. I even want to give them the most that I can come up with… if I had to choose between two jobs of equal value, I would take the one that pays better so I could give my family more every time. I want my life to show that I care.

The thing is, I love God more. It's hard to say, especially when no one person has impacted my life so fully or so wonderfully as my wife. She's given me everything, and it's hard for me to say that she's the second most important thing to me. It's the case, though. I love God, and I MUST pursue Him and the path He has set out for me. My values and my love dictate nothing less.

So as I face the fearsome choices that hold faithfulness to conviction in the one hand and safety in the other, I find that I must completely throw my trust at God's feet, praying and trusting desperately that he will love and protect my family in a way that I cannot. I have to believe that love for them MEANS love for God, rather than giving in to the temptation that says love for them is love for safety and economic success.

I want my life to express my values… I want it to show what I really care about. God requires a path whose only certainty is faithfulness to Him… it's in His grace and love that I must place the fate and direction of everything else.

The true enemy of Sin

I had a good conversation with a friend the other day regarding sin. Sin is a tough thing, because we tend to see it as a compliance issue- the authority figure sets the rules, and sometimes we mess up, and so we feel guilty and sometimes get punished.

That may be true, but there's a lot more to it. At its center, sin is about a complete break in a perfectly ordered, perfectly happy relationship. It's like if you lived in a place where EVERYTHING was just right, and you were always happy, and things always went the way they were supposed to… but you didn't just want happiness, you wanted to be in CHARGE, and so you chose a life of sadness and pain and want and loneliness because you thought you could do even better.

You turn away from God… why? Has he failed you? Oh sure, sometimes it feels that way. But has living for yourself ever made you complete? Has doing the right thing ever made you into a worse person?

One very sad thing about sin is that we tend to rate it, as if the measure of righteousness is the least number of "bad" sins. As long as our sins are just "small" ones, we tell ourselves, we're doing pretty well.

God is clear, though, that that isn't the case. Sin's insidiousness isn't in tempting us to do the really "big" things, and so mess ourselves up. Sin's insidiousness is bound up in the fact that even the smallest sin completely destroys that relationship with God. It hurts the relationship we have with Him, even after we've become Christians and had our sins forgiven.

I gave my friend (ok, it was Dave Cheng) this example;

For instance, let us consider two pastors working together at the same church. One is sincerely pursuing God, trying to love him, and trying to be a good leader. However, one night he starts chatting with a woman who stops by, and that night they commit adultery. The church finds out. What happens? Today, his career would be ruined, he can't get work anywhere else, and he is always looked down on by his friends and family.Meanwhile, the other pastor gets deep into pornography, but never gets caught. He serves as the leader of the church for years, with nobody ever suspecting what goes on behind closed doors. He never changes his behavior.Which is worse? Under our current system of "thinking it vs. doing it," the adultery is worse. However, I would argue that biblically, the second is significantly worse. Want proof? Think about the first two examples... now think of them as King David and King Saul. The one has a heinous one-time sin, the other has small things that systematically show that he is ignoring God, and lets the small stuff separate him from pursuing God with his life and kingship.

God is clear… He prefers broken sinners who pursue Him with their lives to the outwardly good who ignore Him inwardly.

This concept has been important in my own life. As I seek to follow God, it teaches me two things;

First, my sin is worse than I think. I need God's grace just as much as anyone else, because I choose my own glory over His just as much as anyone else. I need to be broken and humble, because I have NO reason to think I'm better off than anyone else.

Second, my goal cannot be avoiding "big" sins all the time… because my hidden sins will be there just as much, just as evil. Instead, I need to focus on knowing and loving God more and more… I need to make him my "heart's orientation," because that is the ONLY strategy that will help clear away the sin in my life. Only He can change me, and He will only do that if my life's gaze is fixed on Him.

I want people to see God in me. I hope, someday, that my life will show them a tiny piece of what He is like. That won't happen, though, by avoiding adultery and murder. Plenty of people in all sorts of religions can do that. Instead, my life needs to show that fullness and joy and completeness comes only from the correct order… God is who He Is, and I must worship him. Only then will he be glorified correctly.

Developed by Circumstance

It's nice to look back on my thoughts and see the places God is taking me. In my last post, I mentioned a strange sense of confidence God was giving me; a sense that if I was faithful to Him, I would be ok. Well, soon after, I was offered a job at the Accident Fund Insurance Company of America (www.accidentfund.com). It was neat, because for so long I had been interviewing for jobs that pay pretty low amounts, and kept getting rejected. This job, though, pays much better.

Of course, I can't say I WANT to be working… I've never been a big fan of trying to make money all the time. However, that's what God wants me to do for now, and I couldn't be doing it at a better place. The people at work are really nice, and the work they have me doing is quite interesting.

More interesting than that, though, my class has started. It's been overwhelming at times, because I have so much less time than I used to for study and contemplation. Even so, I'm excited by the people who have been coming, and by the chance to work through the meaning of the gospel message. One neat experience I had this week was a good conversation with one of the students about how important it is to teach the gospel repeatedly in church, because Christians need to be reminded of their foundation and non-Christians need to hear the good news. When I got home, I started reading a book called "The Deliberate Church." This book was co-written by my Washington DC pastor, Mark Dever, and a good friend of mine, Paul Alexander. The book talks about how important it is to –you guessed it- teach the gospel repeatedly in your church, to reinforce its foundations and to spread the good news.

So overall, I'm doing well. I will confess to being often confused, though. I’m beginning to learn why people tend to mellow out as they get older… there are just so many emotions involved in the things you do, and it's hard to respond by doing anything other than just taking it.

For instance, in a normal day, I might have a great day at work, get in an argument with my wife, spend some thoughtful time preparing for my class, and forget to do my devotions. How do you categorize a day like that? I feel happy, mad, contemplative, and guilty all in the space of a few hours. Another day, I might be bored at work, have a wonderful evening and prayer time with my wife, remember my devotions, be frustrated with people who are acting immaturely, and be disappointed by things that happen in the news. How is that day better or worse than the one before?

Sometimes, I just despair of knowing how to share myself with people. For instance, though I was glad to have a job, I was embarrassed by how big a deal people made of it. In fact, Pastor Chris generously asked me to share my story in front of the congregation, and I turned him down (by the way, I can't IMAGINE what a weird experience it is to be on a leadership team with me… never a dull moment, I suppose).

So far, though, I'm thankful to say that it hasn't affected my passion for the church. I really believe that God is starting to do some wonderful things in UBC, and I'm hopeful that I'll be able to be a part of them.

Ok, so you knew you wouldn't get away without hearing my latest theological/philosophical/life musings. I've been struck lately by the importance of experience as an agent of growth. In a million different little ways this past month or so, I've seen that God in His sovereignty brings an amazing array of experiences into our paths. Whether it's dealing with the impatient waitress, or struggling through an important but boring book, or knowing how to treat a friend to show them love, God is continually molding us through everyday things.

Think back on your day today. Can you think of ANYTHING that caused impatience or anger, hurt or frustration? Can you remember any instance that forced you to think in a new way or learn a new skill? Did you face any tough choices today? Did you have any opportunities to put someone else's interest ahead of your own?

In his power, God placed those things in your life. He placed them there so that you would continually be growing in strength and faith and knowledge. How did you respond?

The more I force myself to look for these things in my life, the more impressed I am with my own weakness. Today, for instance, my wife was trying to show me love, and I responded with frustration and sarcasm. God gave me a chance to see that the most important person in the world to me thinks about me all the time, and I screwed it up. Not impressive.

The exercise is good for me, though, because each day it's helping me become more and more aware of how God is leading me and changing me and causing me to grow. It also helps me respond better when I can see what he's trying to build.

Look for God's invisible guiding hand in your life. See what he's building, and be amazed and impressed by the love he shows in continually caring for you. Whether you're being forced to deal with too many friends or not enough, business or loneliness, the struggles of hardship or the laziness of ease, the annoying friend or the cruel enemy… God is in these things. His love becomes apparent the more we can look down the road and see what he is trying to create in us.

The week is beginning once again. Let's face it knowing that God IS going to give us hard circumstances, but that those are things we can learn from and be developed by.

Sought in Stewards

As I've spent time struggling through my uncertainties and weaknesses, I found a strange emotion welling up in me... confidence. For some reason, I have been markedly more confident in my direction, in my life, and in my understanding of what I am to be doing with myself. Sure, life can stink... but I'm becoming more able to deal with the ugliness I see in myself. Why is this?

I've found two answers. The first is one is dependence. The weakness that is so evident in my life has caused me to become more and more dependent on what God brings to me. Rather than demanding a particular life, I have been growing in my ability to accept what God puts in front of me. That doesn't mean that I don't fight for things, like having UBC switch its service times around. Instead, it means that I'm working on being less dissatisfied with results... "results-based thinking" is, in the spiritual context, wildly seperate from God's desire for our lives.

The second is faithfulness. In my bible reading, the passage I came upon just MINUTES before I wrote this blog was 1 Corinthians 4. Paul is chastising the Corinthian church for the way that they will claim to be followers of a certain Bible teacher, and then arrogantly think that following that particular teacher makes them wiser and more spiritual than others. However, Paul says;

"One should think about us this way--as servants of Christ and stewards of the mysteries of God. Now what is sought in stewards is that one be found faithful. So for me, it is a minor matter that I am judged by you or by any human court. In fact, I do not even judge myself. For I am not aware of anything against myself, but I am not acquitted because of this. The one who judges me is the Lord. So then, do not judge anything before the time. Wait until the Lord comes. He will bring to light the hidden things of darkness and reveal the motives of hearts. Then each will receive recognition from God."

See, my weakness is real. Completely, 100% real. I really am that weak, really am that afraid, and really am that disgusted by myself. But as Paul points out, God's judgement of me won't be all that interested in those things. Instead, God wants to know whether I was faithful. It doesn't make a difference whether I was smart or dumb, forgetful or on the ball, bold as a lion or scared of my shadow. What matters is whether I sought to do what my God asked of me, and whether I communicated His Truth as clearly and as accurately as possible.

It's like giving a book report on The Adventures of Huck Finn rather than giving a speech on the future of foreign policy... the latter is something you'll always feel inadequate to do, but the former is something that can be done because it asks you to lean on someone ELSE's abilities -namely, Twain's- rather than on your own. As a Christian, God doesn't ask me to be adequate to a monstrous task... he asks me to be faithful to the truths he has already spelled out for me in His Word!

The many changes I face in my life scare me. At the same time, I'm slowly learning a greater amount of confidence as I turn away from whatever existence my weak self can scratch out, and to turn to a life that depends on the only One who is truly worthy of being trusted and depended on.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

Embarrassed to be me

4. I am embarrassed to be me.

At least one time almost every day, I wish I was someone else. It's not just that I wish I was in someone else's circumstances, or even just that I had a different personality. It's that I wish I was in different circumstances, had a different personality, and even made different choices than I do now. Other people take majors that get better jobs. Other people are content with a faith that isn't constantly burning at the edge of their minds, a faith that doesn't consume their thoughts and interest and actions. Other people don't neglect the details that matter.

I'm not like that. Over and over, I embarrass myself or hurt people or miss out on things because I have trouble focusing. I am not very good at showing love to my wife. I am overly critical. Bills get set aside while I try to understand the correct interpretation of 2 Corinthians 3:17-18. Sleep is postponed while I spend time talking with a person to help them understand a theological concept. House chores are forgotten while I delve into commentaries on Romans.

On some level, I appreciate these tendencies about myself, because I prepare well for times when theological questions need to be answered. On another level, I am embarrassed at the person I am. I feel like people laugh at me behind my back in disbelief at how irresponsible I am. I feel like my wife is constantly annoyed with me, and I'm uncomfortable every time my friends see the stupid things I do because of my strange value system. I feel like I'm losing touch in my relationships because people think I'm a failure.

It's tough, too, because it creates paranoia. I have a hard time in conducting relationships with some of my close friends because I am always worried that they think badly of me, and that they are just being polite. I want to be someone that makes them feel safe, but instead I feel that I make them feel they need to be patronizing.

My need for God becomes more apparent to me every day. Why was I put here? What can I possibly do with such oddities? Couldn't I honor You without being an absent-minded, irresponsible, forgetful, loud-mouthed, overly-opinionated, hard-bargaining jerk? Why did you burden Samantha with me? Why do you make my friends put up with me? What good can I possibly do here?

I know, of course, that these feelings are more powerful and more negative than the truth. Things are probably much more nuanced than this. The simple fact, though, is that I have been really struggling of late with being embarrassed about myself. Seeing yourself with God's eyes is really hard when you are always afraid of what other people are seeing.

Constantly Afraid

3. I am constantly afraid.

Most people I know are uncomfortable with "creepy" things. They wouldn't want to go into a haunted house, they get nervous when eerie music is playing, and they lose control of their imaginations every time we drive down a dark road with lots of trees. Scaring them is considered utterly taboo.

I, on the other hand, rarely have that problem. As a kid, I became fearful the same as anyone else. Over time, though, I forced myself to deal with the emotions and not let them affect me. As I came to trust more and more in God's inevitable sovereignty, I became less and less nervous of things like monsters, the dark, the unknown, or even real things like demons. I had become, I thought, unafraid.

Recently, I've become more willing to admit that this is not actually true. I AM afraid. Constantly. My fear drives many of my actions, my passions, and my values. It often hurts my relationship with God.

These days, my greatest fear is that Samantha will stop loving me. She has a powerful personality, and she can be very confusing for my very simple and very male mind. I often find myself walking around the house, scared that my actions, nonverbal communication, or personality traits will betray something about me that she will hate. I feel like an house elf, having extreme affection toward but also extreme fear of a certain person. My fear is strong enough to make me doubt her love.

I am also afraid that my friends will discover how worthless I am. I love teaching, but I worry that they will someday realize that they never really needed me, that the things I do aren't that significant. Actually, that part is true, but I fear that when the realize it they will forget me, or make me less important in their minds than I used to be.

My fear shows itself in funny ways. For one thing, I cannot have people cleaning my room for me. For some reason, I get extremely nervous when someone even shuffles through my things, and it works its way up to panic if they start to reorganize. Even now that I'm married, I have a hard time controlling my fear-driven anger or annoyance toward Samantha if I'm missing something that I know she cleaned up.

Another telltale sign of my fear is when I argue with criticism. Someone will tell me something they don't like or struggle with about me, and even if it's 75% right I find that I MUST argue about that other 25%. I'm so scared people will mischaracterize me in their minds, that I will argue constantly until I like the picture of myself that I see through their eyes.

The biggest way my fear manifests itself is when I feel I am being disrespected. I am so afraid of being looked down on that I will go to great lengths to make CERTAIN that I am spoken to with the grace and gravity I feel I deserve. Nothing makes me dislike a person more than when they treat me as if I don't matter and don't deserve to be treated as at least an equal.

Why do I have all this fear? Much of it can be attributed, I think, to discontent with God's creation… I don't like what He created, and my self-hatred makes me afraid that others will hate me too.

More than that, though, I fear that I am a flea on the back of a dog. No matter how much I push and pull, sweat and strain… it makes no difference, and my life will mean as much to others and to God's Kingdom as a flea does in determining how a dog lives its life. I'm afraid that I don't count, and so I get weird whenever anything that might confirm that comes up.

Fear of the Lord is healthy, but fear for ones' own significance is also a form of self-centeredness. I know it's wrong. With God's help, I'm learning to fight it… because if God is for us, who can be against us? And if none stand against us, what reason have we to fear? I need to be reminded of that more than anyone I know. Pray, dear reader, that I will hear my own words and internalize them.

Professionally Unimpressive

2. I am professionally unimpressive.

When I was a kid, I was smart. Now, I'm not talking about your run-of-the-mill, get good grades and understand trains kind of smart. Rather, I was the sort of kid who has an unnatural ability to communicate and think like a much older person. For instance, I was reading and comprehending at a post-high school level when I was in sixth grade. I could out-debate most of my teachers, and could do logic problems long before anyone else had thought them through. I did extremely well on standardized tests, and could defeat any of my friends at Jeopardy or Trivial Pursuit.

All this led me to the conclusion that I was special, and that I didn't have to put hard work into things until they came to pass (as opposed to putting lots of work in ahead of time to make myself more professionally attractive). I never bothered to PROVE that I was smart, because I was supremely confident in the fact that it was there. I soon found that this does not mean all I thought it did.

Recently, I have faced the fact that being a philosopher with bad grades is not something a company wants. I am a general failure in the one area that EVERY job requires… being detail-oriented. I did not do well in school. I have a different value system from the average business or political personality. Perhaps most dangerous of all, I am more committed to things that are professionally unimportant than I am to things that are professionally important. I allow my love of books and late night discussions and sports and theology to keep me from a highly disciplined schedule, from extra effort on work projects, or on stuffing and improving my resume.

What I need is to be more disciplined, to be more balanced, and to have more specific direction. For those things, I find that I am completely inept. In years of trying, I can only see a long string of failures. My multiple attempts to structure and organize and improve my lifestyle have flopped. My drives in different career directions (pilot, politician, FEMA agent, lobbyist, etc.) have served to do nothing more than highlight what a thoroughly average worker I am. Nothing about my childhood intelligence or trivial knowledge or debate skill helps.

I am professionally unimpressive, and after applying to nearly 30 different jobs, I know the truth: If I were a manager, I wouldn't hire Ben Bartlett either.

I need God to come through for me. On the one hand, I've completely committed my own development to Him. Everything about my spare time and personal interest has been in His direction. He has called, and I believe He will honor my response.

At the same time, I need him to come through because I need to be rescued. I cannot continue to go through life failing and being saved by people who love me. I need God to change me, to create in me a spirit of discipline in my many areas of weakness. The time to challenge the storm may come, but for now I still need to learn to handle a stiff breeze. I do believe God rescues, but I'm still learning to trust His desire to rescue me, and still learning to trust ONLY His desire to rescue me. That I am professionally unimpressive is a fact. When I am finally changed, and when God's glory is shown in me, it will be apparent; it is only because He rescues that I succeed.

"Originally" strong

1. I do not do things that are "originally" strong.

One of the hard realizations I have come to of late is that I am an extremely weak person. Of course, I instantly rejected this thought when it came to me. Have you seen me pull out great plays in clutch situations? Have you seen me stick to my guns in an argument or debate? Have you heard the conviction in my voice as I challenge the storm? Aren't those things strong?

As I consoled myself with all the things I'm good at, I came to realize that those are also things that don't cause much of a struggle for me. For instance, public speaking is something I've been doing since I was young. I don’t get stage fright, and anyone who knows me knows that talking about ideas has never been a problem. Sports also come naturally, and coming through in big situations isn't as big a deal when you are generally better than other players (such as in Ultimate Frisbee).

In short, the perception of strength in myself isn't really because I AM strong… it's because my natural talents seem strong by comparison. When a heavyweight boxer fights against the local mailman, of course he seems strong; but how does he do against other heavyweights?

The more I examine myself, the more I come to realize how hard it is for me to persevere in areas that I dislike or am not naturally gifted in. I find it very hard to keep track of lots of details, or to understand the interactions involved in making something "look good". I struggle to keep in touch with people or to be consistent in doing chores or odd jobs. Perhaps worst of all, I often allow myself to fail, and then follow it up by convincing myself that I never really cared in the first place.

A person is strong when they triumph over something that is naturally hard; FOR THEM. Their perseverance is the measure of their strength, not their abilities as measured next to someone of fewer natural skills or talents. When I look at myself, I see very little of that.


This has begun to change my perspective on my role in life. For a long time, I thought God made me strong so that I could bear hard things for Him. I thought that being put in tough situations would be my specialty, since I'm so "strong" when they come along. Now that I'm in a somewhat stormy situation, I find that the opposite is true; I'm actually a wimp. I've had a hard time coping and struggling through circumstance.

There is a silver lining, though. My desire and commitment to being a pastor has not waned in the least during this time. Further, I have seen God actually strengthen my ability to understand and interpret what he is saying. More and more I am learning what Christ meant when He said, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for they shall inherit the earth." The strength I need to be who I'm supposed to be isn't there, unfortunately. It just isn't. Only God can fix this. I'm seeing, though, all the great things he COULD do with this. What will he do? I need to wait and see.

On Being Weak

I struggle with weakness.


Today I realized a couple of things that are hard for me:

1) I do not do things that are "originally" strong.

2) I am professionally unimpressive.

3) I am constantly afraid.

4) I am embarrassed to be me.


I plan on writing more about these individually soon. There's a lot to them, and it's disheartening to do it all at once. I'm really scared about this period of meditation; I am quite sure I don't like the things I am finding out and trying to admit to myself. Still, I trust it is for the best in the end.

The Puritan Conscience

I've recently become interested in the Puritans. The name "Puritan" was a somewhat derisive one that eventually became a positive identification (much like the term, "Yankee") for a certain type of Christian in the 16 and 1700's. These Christians were known for being thoughtful, deep, uncompromising, and heartfelt in their faith. Their writings are some of the best considerations of various theological topics that can be found today. In fact, many of the great Christian leaders of today were inspired by their writings (such as J.I. Packer or John Piper).

Right now, I'm reading, "Glorious Freedom" by Richard Sibbes, which is a study on 2 Corinthians 3:17-18, especially the phrase, "Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." Among many other things, one area he discusses is that of the conscience. How should our consciences be affected by our faith?

Sibbes suggests that the conscience is a changeable thing. Through circumstances, discipline, or neglect, the conscience is conformed to a particular worldview. Anything that breaks with that worldview, then, causes our conscience to kick in, whereas things within the scope of the worldview don't bother us at all. Make sense?

An example would be a program Samantha and I saw recently called, "Wife Swap". We usually wouldn't watch such a thing, but decided to try it just once. One wife was conservative, disciplined, clean, and a hard worker, but also harsh, condescending, critical, and boring. The other wife was liberal, poetic, fun, and easygoing, but also messy, whiney, lazy, and unreasonable. After the families had gone through the experience, BOTH wives thought the other had mishandled their family, BOTH thought the other had wronged their own family, and BOTH thought the other was wildly wrong! Why is this the case? Because each had created their own set of values, and both conformed closely to those values; and found it impossible to identify with someone who didn't share those values.

Back to Sibbes. What is the value of knowing that our consciences are changeable? Just this: If we desire to be godly and Christ-like, we must continually be disciplining ourselves to have the same conscience that God himself has! Think about it: God clearly tells us in the Bible what things HE thinks are wrong, and what things he thinks are right. Shouldn't we be trying to give ourselves the same set of values? Instead of saying, "I don't think a loving God would do this" or "I don't believe God would make me do that", we should be teaching ourselves to agree with God's conscience, forcing our own conscience to conform to His.

Sure, we may not want to tell a friend that they are choosing a wrong lifestyle because we don't want to offend them... but if God consistently speaks against that kind of lifestyle, shouldn't we teach ourselves to agree and to speak the truth to that friend? If God consistently honors those who make themselves last in terms of importance, shouldn't it bother our conscience when we take the highest honors for ourselves? This one has been a real struggle for me lately; Samantha is much better than I at taking the dirtiest or most annoying job, and it's easy for me to let her do it. I need to a) teach my conscience to see that as wrong and b) do more of the work myself to help her out.

Some of us struggle with over-hyped consciences. We think EVERYTHING is wrong, and lose sight of glorifying God in the pursuit of legalistic perfection. Others struggle with underdevelopment. We are unaffected by our own sin, and dishonor God's name and the title, "Christian". Still others struggle with misplaced values. The conscience reacts to issues that are entirely different than God's (Such as someone who thinks "saving the trees" is more important than sharing the gospel). Whatever the case, we must all learn to look more honestly at our own consciences and value systems, and use the Bible to mold and shape them into consciences that match God's. Only then will we have the right framework for pursuing Christ-likeness.

P.s. In honor of my recent marriage, I am abandoning the title of Monk. In its place, I shall be pursuing the deep study, thoughtful meditation, uncompromising preaching, and God-glorifying life of the Puritans. Enjoy!

Just Married!

Hey Friends!
Well, hopefully you've all heard the big news... I'm married! It was a terrific day. Feel free to e-mail me if you're interested in the details, but suffice to say that Samantha and I enjoyed it, but more importantly felt that it did a good job of showing our desire to honor God in all things. Our hope is that it is a witness to our friends and family of the centrality of God in our lives. Hopefully I'll figure out how to do some pictures on this darn thing!

Ben

Blah Summer

Well, we picked out an apartment! It’s pretty straightforward; third floor, heat and air, the usual. Most importantly, though, it’s in a good location and isn’t too expensive. Of course, it sure would help if there were a job to go along with it, but I suppose that’s a different prayer to be answered.

Summer is a rather blah time, isn’t it? Even working seems listless when it’s hot out. My friend Paul advised that when I have lots of free time, I should be careful to structure it to make sure that I’m being productive. I follow that, but it doesn’t fix the feeling of being bored.

Today I’m going to the rehearsal of the third wedding that I’m in this summer. After this, only two more to go (including mine)! Goodness, what a whacky time.

Also, I picked out my tux. My Asian friends ought to be impressed: It’s got 5 buttons (semi-asian style) and the vest is black and silver. I went easy on my guys. ;-)

Ok, so that’s all for my boring update. More to come later. Hang in there with your reading and devos!

Being a follower

I tend to be a stickler on Scripture as the final authority on EVERYTHING. I mean, it’s the Word of God; His expression of Himself. What reason could we possibly have to use anything else as our guide? I love the words, the ideas, the structure, and the sheer power of the Bible.

So, you can imagine my frustration when my pastor decided to do a book study on prayer; a frustration that only increased when I read the book and it contained almost nothing from Scripture.

I mean, the Bible is full of beautiful, worshipful prayers. Christ himself told us how we should pray. The prayers are God-centered, confessional, and worshipful. They give God the glory throughout. What do I need from a book that contains little things like, “Prayer is a dialogue between two persons who love each other”? Where is the worship? Where is the sense of holiness?

Struggling with my frustration, I turned to my ever-patient fiancé. I just could not see why we would waste valuable time on talking about conversational prayer when there is a church full of people who still have much to learn about God’s character and the theology of the life He calls us to. Why more talking about techniques?

Wisely, Samantha heard me out, and acknowledged the value of my points. But then she made the best point she could… I trust Pastor Chris completely. Shouldn’t I hear him out?

So I went. She was right, of course. Pastor Chris has been there for us for years. When I was in college, he and Priscilla brought me snacks during finals week. When I became a member, he met with me and welcomed me in. He asked me to teach the high school class, never once questioning my curriculum or my theology. He spends long periods of time answering my wordy and curious e-mails. He listened as I confessed some of my deepest struggles, and loved and trusted me anyway. He and Priscilla counseled Samantha and I, bringing greater calm and clarity and trust to our relationship. He made me a deacon. He is making a special effort out of his busy summer schedule to officiate our wedding. How could I not trust this man? How could I allow myself to doubt his teaching and direction?

That’s not the whole story, of course. I still need to be able to question. We have theological differences, and differing areas of emphasis. It’s ok that I bring something different to the table than he does, and that I let him know when there is a need for caution or greater consideration in a particular area.

But that does not mean that I have the right to angrily question his decisions before I see where they go.

And, of course, I thoroughly enjoyed the study.

I still have questions and uncertainties. I still don’t think it’s the best idea in the world. However, Pastor Chris has a passion for corporate prayer, and desires for UBC to learn that same passion. He looks at books and sees potential for insights rather than the strength of theological underpinnings.

As a group, we talked about what it means to come into God’s presence… and of course, I had experienced exactly the same things as others had. It was a strong confirmation; there really is something to this idea of intense conversational prayer. It was humbling to have so many strong complaints and then to enjoy myself so thoroughly anyways. My complaints had not been invalidated or forgotten, but they had certainly lessened in importance.

I don’t know exactly where UBC will go in the future, and I’m still going to do my best to bring stronger structure and theology to it. I do know this, though: Pastor Chris is a guy that deserves my trust and respect. If I desire to submit to God in my life, I need to also learn to submit to those he has placed in authority over me, even when they do things differently than I would have. How can I ask a family or a church to follow me if I refuse to be a follower myself?

Renaissance Man

Ok, new nickname for my friend Dave. The Artist formerly known as David Cheng will now be referred to as Dave “Renaissance Man” Cheng. Why, you ask?

Well, the Renaissance Man is, “someone who becomes skilled, sometimes to greatness, in several areas. The Renaissance Man is someone who is constantly learning and mastering new skills. It's this quality that allowed fellows such as Leonardo Da Vinci to become skilled at both scientific and artistic endeavors.”

That fits Dave well. Let’s consider: He dresses well (a little deficient in the formal wear, but he’s young enough that it doesn’t matter). He’s a genius with computers. He is a good cook. He likes household activities. He has a terrific singing voice. He plays several instruments. He is a passionate and thoughtful worship leader. He has a servant’s heart. He works well with young people. He is God-centered and biblically focused in his theology. He is willing to teach, even though it’s not his favorite. He writes songs. He knows all the good websites. He uses coupons. He is one of the most perfect specimens of Christian humility I have ever met. He is a clear writer. He speaks multiple languages. He blends perfect smoothies. He is a top-notch fantasy football manager.

Perhaps MOST important, he is a good and caring friend, a (soon to be) husband to a terrific girl, and a faithful follower of Christ (in ascending order of importance, of course).

BUT I BEAT HIM 6-0 AT TENNIS YESTERDAY! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Ok, that’s neither here nor there. My point is this. It’s easy for me to be jealous of Dave, especially when I fear that I will always be a failure as a husband or father in comparison to him. But you know what? That fear of mine is terrible theology. God created us each in highly unique ways, and we need to be aware of that and USE it for His glory. For instance:

Some serve in studying and expressing biblical theology.
Some serve by helping the church’s finances.
Some serve through loving relationships and hospitality.
Some serve by loving and teaching children.
Some serve by doing websites and music videos.
Some serve through encouragement and friendships.
Some serve through meeting physical needs like health or hunger.

This is the beauty of Ephesians 4. We ALL can contribute to the Body, we all are DESIGNED to contribute to the Body, we are all COMMANDED to contribute to the Body, and therefore we MUST all contribute to the Body. It is our JOB to worship God by serving in the church and contributing to the Body, and my envy or self-detriment does not help accomplish that goal.

Dave may be the Renaissance Man, but you and I have just as much opportunity as he or anyone else does to become who God has called them to be. If I love God, I will serve Him with what He gave me… because that is why He gave it to me in the first place.

Scary faith/scared faith

One of the worst parts about trusting in God is the part where you have to carry that out. Samantha and I are in a very, “put your money where your mouth is” type of position right now. We (actually, being the dumb one with the big mouth, I am usually the one who spouts this stuff) talk about the importance of trusting God completely, of following His will for our lives. We tell people to get involved in their local church, and not to go somewhere because it’s easy but rather to go somewhere that you can serve. We suggest that we don’t need worldly things because whatever God gives you is enough. I am confident that God wants me at the small church I love, not at the larger church that could actually pay me.

And now I can’t find a job.

I always assumed jobs would be fairly plentiful for me. I’m fairly sharp, I know politics, I have relevant work experience. And yet… it’s not happening. And now I’m two months away from marrying the girl of my dreams and I’m not drawing a paycheck.

It’s really scary. It’s easy for me not to be scared when I’m by myself. I don’t mind half-starving, or not having furniture, or working long hours including travel and weekends, or smelling bad. I could do anything it took, and there would be no need to worry because “God” (and the fact that I look good on a resume and am convincing in interviews) would take care of everything.

But then this girl came along, and now I need to actually provide in the literal sense of the word. I need God to give me a job that is in the Lansing area, has sensible hours and schedule, pays decently, and will last for a decent length of time. I need to pay for an apartment, to pay for decent groceries, to start saving for kids and loan payments and the like… it’s a lot to take in at once.

It’s especially frustrating because this is exactly what I’ve always wanted. Family is important to me, and I’d MUCH rather be in this situation with Samantha than by myself in Washington D.C. Still… I’m really struggling not to worry.

I wish that God would look back over the many times that I did things that everyone else said was silly, but I believed He wanted me to do it. I wish he would look back and be impressed, and give me rest. I wish things were easy. Usually I don’t care about easy, because it’s just me and I LIKE taking the hard way. But suddenly, I’m made to realize that was an illusion… being alone IS the easy way for me. It’s being together with someone that’s hard. And it’s what God wants for me.

So, here we go. Once again I’m fighting back the worries that scurry around in your stomach and clog up your throat. Once again I’m ignoring the fact that this is not the best way to do things. Once again… once again I’m actually believing, rather than saying I believe, that God is real and that He’s going to take care of me and that His providential hand is a tangible thing.

I really miss the times when it was ok to be weak. And I really miss the people who are used to seeing you that way. There aren’t many left, and I’m scared all over again.


"Not act on the words of a Master?
Come, Uncle, come! Can you see all
the worlds that were and those that are
to be? Alas, and nor can I!
My heart and mind tell me to trust
His words. The victory is ours
if we can trust. However, if
you have a better plan? For if
you have, well, we must hear it now."
A serious silence filled the lofts -
they saw the shadowed face with awe
as Uther in his son announced:
"So then, prepare our soldiery,
my lords, for war, for victory!"

Definition of Pissed

This is the old definition of being pissed off.

piss off
To make or become angry.
Used in the imperative as a signal of angry dismissal.


This is the new definition of pissed off.

1. When, for some mysterious reason, the program that runs your company's phone system suddenly (like, say, in March) makes it so that A) your phone does not display the fact that you have messages from the month of March and B) your phone doesn't put calls into your voice mail after March.

2. When the above situation makes it so that you do not recieve a call from a legislator's office.

3. When the above phone call is to tell you that you have an interview with the legislator for a job.

4. When your current job is due to end in a month and a half, and the interview you missed was the job you most wanted.


Yep... under the new definition, I am DEFINITELY pissed off.

Again with Humility!

I had really been having a hard time lately figuring out my role as a teacher. It seems as though the things I try to say fall on deaf ears, or are too complicated, or are things only I can relate to. Thankfully, though, some good friends have been mentioning things to me recently that I taught eons ago. Recent events in their lives have made the concepts clearer, and God in His grace reminded them of something they learned long ago.

This is a tough area for me, and I know it always will be. I tend to want instant gratification… I want to see people changing their lives and being inspired and (if I’m honest) being impressed. The problem is, I start to take very godly desires (wanting to see people turn away from their selves and to God) and turn them into selfish ones. I think that’s why God always “fixes” things so that people aren’t really affected by my lessons until much later… at that point, it’s clear that God is working in them and reminding them of things for His purposes, not because I’m a clear speaker.

I’m preaching at UBC two weeks from yesterday, and I think that’s why He’s reminding me of all this. I need to be more patient, trusting that whatever work God lays out for me will be for good, no matter what the immediate results are. I just have to keep being faithful to that.